Each time I have tried to make an entry here something happens and it disappears. I don’t know maybe it’s trying to tell me something?
I have one child and she is 38 years old and I have two beautiful grandchildren 21 + 18.
My daughter and I have had a difficult relationship ever since she turned 18. She found out after I was diagnosed with bipolar that I was human I’m not the perfect mother she thought I was while she was growing up. To this day she is back and forth in her acceptance of me or pushing me away. I have always kept my arms open wide but when she was ready to return but this time is different and I don’t know what to do. Yes people will tell me how it’s just very difficult for her to deal with and so it’s easier not to and give her some space she’ll be back and all kinds of platitudes that I have heard her entire adult life. I ask you when does she get held accountable when does she get held accountable? When does it become unfair and hurtful to me that she needs to approached me for forgiveness? I know that our children never loved us with the same intensity that we love them. That is because they passed that intensity hopefully on to their own children.
What’s different about this time is that I’m dying. I have probably 3 to 5 years if I’m lucky. She knows this and for the first time in our lives she had told me last year that she wanted to take care of me and be close in case something happens. I was thrilled and scared at the same time. Now I’m just sick to my stomach. She immediately after saying she wanted to care for me began to feel that her freedom and her life was being taken from her and I hadn’t even moved in with her yet. We were still in completely different towns an hour away. So I decided maybe it would be better to move near her but not move in with her. Well that became too burdensome for her also because she felt she would have to come and see me too often and help me with my dog my service dog. December 29th my helper who happened to be a young male 34 and had only been with me for about a month or less join on a conference call between me and my daughter. They were impressed with each other quick and he went to spend time with her a week ago. I had had her come down here to meet him the week before that. She seemed so happy and I wanted her happiness because she had been unfairly treated during her divorce and has been estranged from her children ever since.
When my helper came back from seeing her he had been told something by her that happened sixteen years ago that she has used against me all this time. Truthfully she has used the fact that she found out I was human and fell off a pedestal back when she was 18 and admits that she really hasn’t forgiven me for that. Without going into detail she has used this against me to put a wedge between myself and others before. Well she gave this man permission apparently to just tear my heart out and rip me to shreds and judge me so harshly as if it was just yesterday and I have not already punished myself enough over it. I had to throw him out. He went up to live with her and she has only known him for 30 days. I am now alone and I have not heard from my daughter since he went back up there. We had been talking daily and although we decided it was not healthy to move in together we still had a relationship. Now I have nothing and no one.
I guess I’m not looking for advice because everyone has their own opinion and usually they judge in regards to their own perspective. I guess I just needed to share.