Trying again

Each time I have tried to make an entry here something happens and it disappears. I don’t know maybe it’s trying to tell me something?

I have one child and she is 38 years old and I have two beautiful grandchildren 21 + 18.
My daughter and I have had a difficult relationship ever since she turned 18. She found out after I was diagnosed with bipolar that I was human I’m not the perfect mother she thought I was while she was growing up. To this day she is back and forth in her acceptance of me or pushing me away. I have always kept my arms open wide but when she was ready to return but this time is different and I don’t know what to do. Yes people will tell me how it’s just very difficult for her to deal with and so it’s easier not to and give her some space she’ll be back and all kinds of platitudes that I have heard her entire adult life. I ask you when does she get held accountable when does she get held accountable? When does it become unfair and hurtful to me that she needs to approached me for forgiveness? I know that our children never loved us with the same intensity that we love them. That is because they passed that intensity hopefully on to their own children.
What’s different about this time is that I’m dying. I have probably 3 to 5 years if I’m lucky. She knows this and for the first time in our lives she had told me last year that she wanted to take care of me and be close in case something happens. I was thrilled and scared at the same time. Now I’m just sick to my stomach. She immediately after saying she wanted to care for me began to feel that her freedom and her life was being taken from her and I hadn’t even moved in with her yet. We were still in completely different towns an hour away. So I decided maybe it would be better to move near her but not move in with her. Well that became too burdensome for her also because she felt she would have to come and see me too often and help me with my dog my service dog. December 29th my helper who happened to be a young male 34 and had only been with me for about a month or less join on a conference call between me and my daughter. They were impressed with each other quick and he went to spend time with her a week ago. I had had her come down here to meet him the week before that. She seemed so happy and I wanted her happiness because she had been unfairly treated during her divorce and has been estranged from her children ever since.

When my helper came back from seeing her he had been told something by her that happened sixteen years ago that she has used against me all this time. Truthfully she has used the fact that she found out I was human and fell off a pedestal back when she was 18 and admits that she really hasn’t forgiven me for that. Without going into detail she has used this against me to put a wedge between myself and others before. Well she gave this man permission apparently to just tear my heart out and rip me to shreds and judge me so harshly as if it was just yesterday and I have not already punished myself enough over it. I had to throw him out. He went up to live with her and she has only known him for 30 days. I am now alone and I have not heard from my daughter since he went back up there. We had been talking daily and although we decided it was not healthy to move in together we still had a relationship. Now I have nothing and no one.
I guess I’m not looking for advice because everyone has their own opinion and usually they judge in regards to their own perspective. I guess I just needed to share.

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I’m sorry for what you’re going through! It sounds like a mess. To me a mental illness is no different from any other illness. There are treatment options; as long as one is actively seeking treatment for signs and symptoms and adhering to a treatment regime that works; I do NOT see your daughter’s point of view. As to what happened sixteen years ago, that was then, this is now. Sounds like your daughter is saying come here, go away. This is the hallmark of a mental disorder. So that may be at play in your situation. (I cannot say for sure as I don’t know either of you.) I am sorry that you are in failing health. Perhaps you can avail yourself of a support group specific to your diagnosis, in order to broaden your chance for support. That and my prayers are about all I have to offer.

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Thank you so much. She’s states that she is stable. It is just she says that she has worked so hard to get where she is that it would take her l life that she has built away to take care of me or have me nearby. I understand that totally because I don’t believe it would be healthy for either of us if I were living with her but to completely shut me out after giving this person her love and attention. If I was not in failing health I would say that it is par for the course because she has done it to me many times. But this time she has no regard for my feelings, my sacrifices, the tears that I have shed for her, the hours that I have listened as she cried about her estrangement from her children. I just don’t know what to say to her

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I wish I had some wisdom to impart. I was not disrespectful to my Mother as an adult, even though she has abused me as a child. I saw her as a sick and flawed human being, that was my Mother and that I loved! I made peace with the fact that she did rhe best she could. I hope your daughter can do the same (NOT that you have been abusive). Just saying if I can forgive and love anyway, then most anyone can. My Mother past in 1990 and I do not regret having forgiven her. Based on what I know about the fragility of life, I hate to see people waste time that they can be sharing love. From my perspective, I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open, but mentally protect yourself based on what I know of your daughter’s behavior. I wish I had some sage advice that would make everything alright; alas, I do not.

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Hi! Am I to understand you were diagnosed with a mental disorder when your daughter was 18, and this is what drove a wedge between you and your daughter? If so, she needs to just grow up and get over it already. As a mother herself, she should realize that none of us were given a manual on parenting. Most of us parents put our dreams and aspirations on a shelf and dedicate our lives to raise our children the best we can, try to make sure that they are given opportunities and better experiences than we had as children. We hope that we do not repeat the same mistakes our parents may have made with us, and provide for our kids until such time as they can take care of themselves.
I left home at 18 as I joined the Navy out of high school. The Navy taught me how to install, operate, repair and maintain complex computer systems and their peripherals. I loved my job in the Navy and made a career of it. Six months prior to my retirement, I lost my father to a life long battle with type 1 diabetes. As I had been looking forward to retiring and making up for lost time with my father for the previous few years, his passing hit me hard. I was diagnosed with clinically chronic depression shortly after retirement. We had moved back to our home state not far from my mother’s house. To make a long story short, Mom passed in 2007 from complications of stage 4 breast cancer. Pryer to her death, we had a falling out, and my mother went into a tumor based coma before we could reconcile. I know now, since a having a reading, that mom forgives me and is apologetic for how she had treated me. I have since forgiven her, and am able to move on. I pray you and your daughter can reconcile before your passing. If she does not, she will regret it later.
Sorry so long, but I will be praying 🙏 🙏 for you and your daughter.

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Hi. I have Schizoaffective disorder and bipolar one…this sounds familiar…
I have 3 sons…one I know is mentally ill. He has been living with my ex who’s 82 this year since last July 2019…he is very abusive …
Emotionally, physically has grabbed his side on his flesh, has taken his phone and book from him and constantly says bad things about his past which lea v rd him drained and sad and ashamed…I told him God has forgiven him ling ago as have I…
I don’t talk to my son anymore…
.as all he wants to do is put my ex down say what a liar he is etc. I’m sorry your dying…I wish your relationship was better…I moved out to Nebraska from the Pacific Northwest two years ago …with out going into it all I found myself alone and crying most days for a year…I go to church daily. I’m a Catholic…and being with God helps…I know I’m just a journeyed down here and my eternal home is heaven…
Sometimes our children use our past to hurt us…my sons have done this to hurt me…
My son has gotten better the oldest one who lives by me about 20 minutes from me…
I finally had to realize the only person who would always be with me is God and the Blessed Mother and my guardian angel…its hard I know to be where you are…
Only God knows when you are going to die…I am so sorry you live alone but your not alone…
I have a caregiver who comes in 1 time a week.
I must have gone through 6 caregivers before I got her…she is a REAL Christian…
And cares about me…I would suggest you get another caregiver…then you’ll have one person on earth in your life to care for you…ill pray for your Reconcilliation with your daughter…God bless you.💞

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I agree with Susan. It sounds like your daughter could have her own psychological disorder. If she has been diagnosed, either professionally or by reading and self diagnosed, she could be holding that against you. She might be blaming you for her disorder if she is aware of it.

One of the first things I would do is make the organization that provided your attendant aware of his behavior. Yes, it will most likely cause a further rift with your daughter. But do you want your daughter to have a relationship with a man with questionable values or work ethic? That’s something that you need to put on a scale to measure yourself.
I agree with Susan about finding a group to meet with. There are groups based on diagnoses or symptoms like you have. Look in the newspaper, on bulletin boards or online.
Each one of us experience our disease/disorder in our own way, but we also have a lot in common. When we can face each other when talking, watch each other’s expressions, etc then we can understand better. There’s fewer misunderstandings, unlike the written word from strangers where things can get horribly misconstrued.
If you are a person of faith or you are questioning life after death you could find a faith based group. It’s inevitable the the subject will come up but some groups squash it before it gets started.

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I have gone through three caregivers this year Well 2019. The first one was here from the end of November until October and I thought she had developed into a real friend and I have an extra bedroom so she lives with me as well I also have mobility issues and my diabetes is out of control I have high cholesterol and a you name it I got it my back is crumbling, I’ve had three fusions and then last year in August I went to the University of Michigan for a second opinion and they also decided that my coronary artery disease, carotid artery and abdominal artery I’ll have different stages of blockage. The three arteries in my heart that are blocked one at 100% occlusion another at 90% and one at 40 to 60%. They said in light of my cool morbidities it would not give me symptom relief or survival benefit to have stents or open heart or anything surgically to help me. And in this state if the University of Michigan won’t touch you well let’s just say that when I passed away from this I will be the eighth person in my family to do so my father being first at 44. At least I’ve made it to 57 and I’ve got plans that if I can get moved and get palliative care then I will have people around me who are advocating for me and encouraging me towards having a quality of life that I don’t have now because I don’t have anyone now. The second caretaker that I had she just figured that she was going to stay here and do whatever she wanted when she wanted and none of it and none of it included helping me. And then this one and you know the story on that one but I’m not going to get another one until I move I’m looking at 55 plus Senior Communities In the next County for me where they do palliative

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I don’t know why people caregivers included don’t take care of others including relatives…I’m glad your moving to somewhere where hopefully people will care and be kind to you.
I like you, would never again live with my son and daughter in law. I lived with them 2 months before I got an apt back here.
It was horrible…
They have gotten better over the past 2 years.
I just went into the hospital as I was suicidal and wrote a suicide note…I am 62 and have had these illnesses since I was 33.
I have NEVER written a suicide note my entire life…they didn’t admit me as my psychiatrist who was on call put me into the care of my oldest son.
He came and got me and took me into his home.
I thank God he helped me.
But it wasn’t always like that.
Please continue to write on here as I will care for you the best I can on a web site like this.

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If I could give you two hearts ❤❤ there there they are, it would only give you a piece of the joy that I felt when you asked me to continue writing and told me that you liked me. I’m told that I’m not likeable I’m too intense because I’m an old soul I’m an empath sometimes I regret being an empath. I too have been going through a very deep depression has I started this journey with my back when I was 19 and did the diabetes joined in when I was about 38. Too many conditions to list but between the mobility issues and nutrition issues because of my diabetes and my heart it’s just too much for her apparently I mean there’s other things that attributable but it’s all just too overwhelming and she told me once when her daughter said that she did not want to come up here and watch me die she said that she also would rather be in Colorado which is where she wants to be instead of here and get a phone call. I told her you do what is best for you. And maybe she’s going to I don’t know

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Thank you so much for your comments and yes my daughter has been diagnosed and she’s was diagnosed around 2005 2006 Maybe. In 2018 she finally made a complete break with reality and I had to put out a missing-persons report and have her committed. She was in for 20 days and was court-ordered to take the medication in shot form as well as be on probation for three months after leaving the hospital. Since then she has done extremely well she has a good job friends her own apartment and like it or not a boyfriend in this guy. She came through an extremely hard time while her divorce was pending. Because of the estrangement from her children she pretty much just had a psychotic break. This was long after she was first diagnosed and her son my grandson who is 21 now at fifteen wanted to go off of his meds and so mad you didn’t want him to do it alone and said that she was go off hers as well. It wasn’t a good decision for either of them.
I wish I could report this caregiver but he did not work with an agency. I am 57 years old and I follow through the on any Healthcare programs that are available I don’t qualify for any of them because of my age and because I’m not deaf blind or just developmentally challenged. I just have a body that is broken all down and it doesn’t want to move right but since I’m only 57 I don’t qualify for senior programs. I won’t even go into the year that I had in 2019 trying to get to my doctors and stuff in a car that I bought that keeps breaking down and now someone went out and wrecked it. When I go to the Senior Communities however they are 55 + and so yay something that I qualify for. I have always gotten along much better with older ones that I did with younger ones. The older ones seem to have gotten past all the silliness and the games and then are able to sit down and have a real talk. A real conversation. What I get from conversations online I wouldn’t give them up because they are pretty much all I have. But as you say to hear someone voice to voice face-to-face and the inflection of their voice as they talk yes that is the only and best way to build a close true relationship. Unfortunately people don’t know that or don’t believe it I guess. I have had friends on Facebook on their messenger for up to four years and they when they found out about my heart they didn’t want to chat by video although they said boy if we live together or near each other I would be around all the time. And I said how about a video chat so that we can see each other face-to-face oh no she said I don’t do that I only do that with my grandson. I was heartbroken.

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Hi I’m Angel, I am 53 and will be 54 next month.
I have 4 kids and 8 grandkids 2 lived in Vermont with their moher, long story short they will be adopted out of the family.
That leaves me 6. However I have been told by my eldest daughter to stay out of her and her family’s lives and my eldest son followed suit leaving me 3 grandkids and 1 wedding that I have never seen or will be apart of.
That leaves me 1 daughter 1 son and 3 wonderful grandkids.
I was a mess when all this took place but I over came it just to have my mom do the same thing with different cercomstances tight before the holidays last year.
But I have all of this to the Lord and I am moving on. I forgave them all as per my up bringing to be the better person and the Bible says to forgive.
I am thankful for the kids and grandkids I do have and make the best of it.
I have enough to deal with in my life right at the moment with my unseen illnesses.
I am here to make new friends and get the support I need as I hope you are.
It is not for is to judge for we will be judged by God. he and only he can truly judge.
God Bless you my friend, feel free to reach out to me or anyone else to help you through the tough times 🙏❤️

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I pray that God will bless you with a good group to help support you and provide people and information that can be beneficial for you.

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I have been suicidal much of the end of last yr and all of this. My therapist has mentioned the hospital or partial hospitalization several times. I have had previous experience with both. Not how I want to spend my time. Plus I have to get out of here so I can be someplace safe and with help. Unfortunately being 57 and not at least 62 the best I can do is a 55 plus community and it would have to be income-based. At least then I would have people that I communed much better with then people in their 20s and 30s. I have to get some phone calling done and I appreciate all of your comments and I will be back. Thank you so much for your encouragement.

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Your welcome…when I first came to Nebraska my oldest son tried to,put me in a home.
But you had to be 65 and I was only 60 at the time…in the meantime I got an apt
Which I’m so grateful for. Its peace and quiet most of the time. I feel for you, but I,know there are housing places for low income people as I lived in one at 29 with,my 5 year old son in WA state.
I don’t know where you live or what part of the country so,I’m not sure what the laws are.
I would stay safe…at least you have a counselor.

I’m suppose to see one march 3rd. The third one I’ve had since moving back here…so if he doesn’t work out I guess ill just leave it up to God. I have to go see my psychiatrist now so ill be back after a little while…hang in there.🐏

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I have a 28 year old daughter and she blames me for things that happen when she was younger. Her father and I separated when she was still young. I tried to have her with me last year only she kept saying things to me that made me very depressed and telling stories to everyone. Like I am a very bad person she was causing problems between me and my spouse. So I finally just had to to wash my hands of her and send her back to her father. It may seem cruel of me to be that way. But I just felt so bad with her here with me I was making myself sick. Now I’m going thru med changes because they no longer help me. I stopped taking my meds because I was so depressed and after I stopped I started to feel a little better. Seen my physic yesterday and told her what has been going on and why I stopped taking the meds. She is putting me on a new med. I know I need something to help me and a big help was when I sent away my daughter. My spouse is very understanding and stands by my side when I need him the most. Even though I was trying to push him away. He’s still here and keeps making me better everyday. I’m lucky he’s known me for so long. But my daughter and her father I no longer speak to because they only bring on my depression. You have to do what is best for you.

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They do have communities for low income people as a matter of fact I lived in one right up until they sold it right out from underneath me. And they gave me a voucher to use anywhere I wanted to apply as long as they would accept it. My biggest problem is finding a unit that my power chair will get in and out of the door. It’s been way too long that I’ve been at looking for this and so now I’m going to start asking for help from a place for Mom. No I don’t qualify for assisted living or anything like that because I refuse to be homebound and I also can’t for that and I’m not at nursing home level. I just need a little extra support here and there to do some of the heavier stuff and help me shop and that kind of thing. I’m not going to go up to Battle Creek near my daughter because that’s just going to be asking for trouble on my part asking for disappointment and hurt feelings and I’m not going to put myself through that no I may not be able to have her in my life right now but I’m not going to shut the door. I’m just going to know what I’m getting when when she comes again

I also have a housing voucher
I moved from Washington state to NEBRASKA on it. And its funny but I’m not physically handicapped but they put me in a two bedroom 2 bath large apt just meant for handicapped people…
There’s one more unit next to mine that is handicapped and there is a handicapped stairwell no stairs you know what I mean for wheel chairs to go up. At first I didn’t want to live here but it was the only place they had…so I hope you can find a place like this…I will pray you do…did you give up your housing voucher? They are very hard to get…ice had mine for 17 years.

You can move anywhere in the country like state to state with a housing voucher as long as you live in a state at least one full year.
Ill be living in Nebraska the rest of my life so I’m not moving anywhere.
Just got back from the psychatristm he put me on lithium as well as an anti depressant…
I don’t think,its a good idea.
Also I have to go to this daily Theraphy which lasts from 10am till 3 pm. I’ve been there 2 times and left. I hate it…all people do is tell you their problems…
Its very boring and I’m a loner by life now…so I don’t want to go but my doctor asked me again if I would go so I said yes…
Its a ton of gas…back and forth…
Anyway hope you have a good evening.

Its just about 4:40 pm here.

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It sounds like you are in what they call here in. Michigan and in Illinois a partial hospitalization program. I remember going after my second trip to the psych ward. Almost 8 hours a day. For several weeks Oh my, it was so intense and yet I did learn a couple of things from My time there though. Especially when we had to turn in our timelines. Which was one of our assignments. Turning in our timeline and meeting with the psychiatrist with it in hand. He was able to. Point to specific instances and areas in my life that said to him and he repeated it to me, but he said no wonder I developed bipolar. And PTSD. And also diagnosed me at that time with borderline personality disorder with regards to abandonment issues. I also saw firsthand how a particular person. That I felt was threatening. To my peace of mind even Send me into a very huge panic attack and wanting to just run away and hide.

Forgive yourself then she will feel hat energy and for her. I when the ego dies the soul comes alive!!!