Pushing people away

Hi everyone. Ryan here. I have a problem and wonder if anyone else does the sAme and what helps you stop. I have the tendency to overthink everything in my life. I have friends that I text and if I don’t get a reply within 2 minutes, I get pissed and send them a message telling them to forget it or I knew I didn’t mean anything to them. I don’t think before I act or react. My mouth runs faster then my brain most days. I’ve lost family and friends because they can’t understand how I need their affection and understanding and love and when I feel like I’m not getting it, I treat them bad so I’m not the only one who feels like crap. Oh, I’m bipolar, had severe anxiety, ptsd, and antisocial personality disorder. And I hate it so much. Been working with a therapist for the past few weeks and talking things out seems to help a little bit, but then I go off into my own world and think how everyone would’ve better off without me to poison their lives like I have. I’ve had 2 suicide attempts in March and 3 years before. I know I have family that loves me, but 8m so tired of hurting people and not sure what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Sometimes I get on a roll and can’t stop rambling. 😁

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You can ramble here anytime!! My daughter does this. I am not sure I have any advice for you from your side as I don’t really have any solutions that have worked for my daughter. From the other side, I just love her unconditionally (as I think family members should), if the people in your life cannot love you unconditionally then that is on them not you. The people that truly care about you will love you no matter what, and will NOT be better off without you so always remember that. Try to think positively no matter how others respond / don’t respond to you…I know that is easier said than done, and will take a strong will to keep fighting but do NOT give in to those negative thoughts.

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Thank you. I’m trying not. But it hurts when people you’ve known all your life throw theirs hands up and say they are done with me. But you’re right. Those people don’t deserve to be in my life. I just hate that I have very few friends. I used to be loved by everyone. I was happy and cheerful up until my mom passed away in 2008. I got into drinking heavily and pretty much have up on myself. Then they diagnosed me with bipolar 1 and when I told people about it, off they went. And that caused me to put up a wall and not let anyone get close to me until 2 1/2 years ago when I ran into this wonderful girl I knew a long time ago. She was great. Up until December this last year when she kicked me to the curb to be with her ex. Told me she loved me and wanted a baby. And out of nowhere, I’m gone. Sonow I’m just pushing everyone away and can’t stop. Oh, God. Just give me some relief from this stupid stuff in my head. Sorry, thanks for responding. Sorry for going on and on. I do tend to talk too much at times. 😁

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You can talk. You said “Oh God”… He can help. Do you have a Bible? It would be good to read it before you talk to others. God is truly for you and loves you unconditionally, unlike any human being can!! He wants you to call out to Him, and He will NEVER leave you when do call on Him. Just something to think about.

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Actually, I have been talking to Him a lot lately. For peace of mind, for confidence, for forgiveness. I know I have to forgive myself but it’s so hard. I’ve hated myself for so long. I’m trying to get back to liking myself. Actually, today has been a good day. I feel rested and tomorrow I have a job interview 8n a different town so if I get that, I can pack up and move there. There are too many memories where 8 am. So, please pray for me to get this job, but more importantly for me to continue to strive to be abetter person. 😁

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My husband and I are both veterans with PTSD, social anxiety, and depression. So I totally can understand how sometimes being rude just seems like the logically thing to do. I’m no therapist but my advice to you would be to stop and think before responding (better yet reacting). Also try to indulge yourself into some kind of hobby. After my husband began doing Krav Maga once or twice a week, I noticed his temper went down tremendously. I hope this helps you. ♥️

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Thank you. I do play Frisbee golf with my roommate but he works days and I work nights so we do not get to d to that very often. I was thinking of a hobby but I drank all the time ul til 2 years ago. I really don’t know what I like. Ugh. Yes, I do need to start thinking before reacting my anger is all I’ve depended on for many years. Time to adapt new methods. My therapist decided we are going to try DBT. See how that goes. Has anyone done that before?

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That Same. Thing. Happened to. Me. As well. Ryan. And. It’s Not A. Good. Thing to. Go. Thru

I understand how you feel. I have a similar situation. I have Epelepsy, PTSD, Short term memory works ok not great due to the sezures which left me with brain damage. I also suffer from High Angzity Disorder which than turns into a stress and panic attack. I try to deal with one situation at a time. I have lost friends over similar problems. I just try to tell myself that not everyone will understand and it doesn’t make me a bad person. It just shows me how open minded I am and that not everyone cares as much for other like I do. Feel free to find me on Facebook if you need to talk. Beth Shugrue.

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I do exactly the same I hardly ever let ppl get too close to me and when I do I am the one that seems to always get hurt but I am such a very loving person and love being around ppl but that fear of being hurt won’t allow me let too many get close to me

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There’s a few Beth’s on fb. Lol. Which one? I’m Ryan Gorden. My profile picture is a saying, so if you want, you can send me a friend request. I love to talk. 😁

Shaj, I know it sucks. My last three girlfriends all cheated on me cuz I’m not an a-hole. I wanted to spend time with them whenever we could but that drove them to another person. I always told myself I’d never fall again, but then my heart said bs. And I would and I would get hurt. But, I’m still waiting to get married. I know one day I will find someone who understands me and loves me, flaws and all. I want to give up but I also remember when I felt I was loved and I want that again one day. But for now, I’m going to focus on me,my kids, my health, and my job. What’s meant to be, will be. It’s on Gods time,not mine. I trust He will find the right one for me, cuz obviously my heart is an idiot. 😋

Hi Ryan…
Reading your reply of things that have happened in your life, wow!!! I swear it was like reading the book of my life…
I wasn’t clinically diagnosed with Bipolar with psychosis until after my mom died in 2000… She was in a car accident because my step dad was drunk & lost control of the vehicle which ended hitting a guard rail on her side & slid for about 30 feet… they said she died on impact & God do I hope so… also it was Fourth of July weekend… as I’m sure you know I didn’t handle it very well… I myself turned to drinking as well & became very destructive with my life…
I pushed some of my best friends away that I have known since childhood because I didn’t know how to deal with my own emotions more less try to
Be productive for anybody else… the ones I didn’t push away left me on their own because they said they couldn’t handle a “crazy” person… I was told I’m too much maintenance & they have their own life…
what I did by no means is a solution!!! I shut down completely… had no friends, no life, I spent most of my time alone in my bed…
then one day a guy came into my life by accident & I tried my hardest to push him away!!! I was mean & so hateful to him!!! But at the end of each day he just looked at me & told me to get over it, that he wasn’t going anywhere, & he would never leave me like everyone else had… & I tell you almost 20 years later he is my absolute best friend!!!
You are so misunderstood… someone will see past your hurt & pain & be the person you need them to be!!! Don’t settle for the abandonment that you always receive… you are worth every bit of emotion that comes with you!!! If someone truly loves you they will be there until the end!!!
Glad you are seeing a therapist as well, it does me a world of good!!!
I also apologize for the long reply, I tend to go on & on as well… lol

Ryan, I can’t stress enough how important it is to find a welcoming group of people to spend time with. I strongly recommend a Sunday school class or a group with people of your age. A gamer group if you like that. Anything that gets you with people who like or want what you want. Most churches have singles classes or groups. Help others and you’ll feel better about yourself. A habitat group? Soup kitchen? God bless you and help you to find some less judgmental people in your life. Its hard to find friends when others are selfish and won’t let others in.

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Chicky7, you have a good perspective on this and have great advice. I’m so happy you’re there for your daughter!
I, too, love my daughter unconditionally and my hubby and I tell her this a lot. We’ve been so in her corner, yet separated unacceptable BEHAVIOR. There’s a huge difference. She has told us we didn’t give her much to rebel against so she had to find things. LOL. She’s in her mid-twenties and I’m still running across her initials hidden on walls, under furniture, etc. She did this when she was mad at us. I’ll take it. 😄

I have most of the same diagnoses, and exactly the same problem… I’m always making an ass of myself via text or email or phone. I’ve basically alienated myself from all of my friends and family, and the relationships are damaged beyond repair at this point. All I can tell you that has worked for me is that I promised myself that no matter how hard or how bad things got, I would not kill myself. So now when things get that bad, I go find help. Sometimes I feel like I want to stay in my little hole and never come out, but it’s not healthy for me and so I force myself to get out and do what I need to do to take care of myself.

Hi, I can relate to your situation. I too overthink, over analyze and create scenarios in my head. I have clinical OCD, major depressive disorder, severe social anxiety disorder, mild dementia, bipolar, epilepsy and I’m HIV+. I don’t have friends because I don’t like to be around people. I avoid public spaces, agoraphobic and kind of a germaphobe. I’ve been a shut in most of my life. Self medicated with alcohol for years. On a drunken bender at 25 I went out to the club and met someone. It was a fix. I felt like I could handle all of my issues. It was euphoric. A couple of weeks later he infected me with HIV. I love him and stayed with him. We’ve been together for 19 years. I don’t believe he’s been faithful at any point in all our years together. He has his own set of problems. We drank every day. Stayed drunk to withstand each other and recreate those feelings we had in the beginning. It got worse and volatile. One drunken night three years ago he decided to go out on his own, snuck out in fact. To cheat no doubt. He got arrested for DWI. We both stopped drinking then and there. He was sentenced to prison and I was alone and devastated. I had no income. A job was necessary so I had to just deal and venture out into public places. I got a great job. I became friends with one girl. At times it was easy and fun, but mostly I felt that even she were making fun of me behind my back. Those thoughts creeping in and the voices telling me I didn’t belong. The ease of it was short lived. The job is very mentally taxing. Not an easy job by any means. I just couldn’t get it, understanding it seemed impossible. I was doing it though. Exceeding goals and rising above my peers. Only thing is that I have anxiety attacks just before starting my work day, then it was like a different version of me was doing the work. At times where I was me again, I didn’t know what I was doing or how I got the work done. It wasn’t long before I shut down. Stopped speaking entirely. Sat at my desk, did my work with my ear buds in and got up to leave taking PTO nearly everyday just to get out of there a little early. My husband has been home now 11 months. We’ve not yet had a proper kiss. We rarely speak and he’s not interested in my concerns or my health. I had a seizure and fell to the floor, he just stepped over me and left the room. But at doctors appointments he complains that they aren’t doing enough to try to get my refractory epilepsy under control. My dad was the only family that I associated with. He was the only one that cared and wanted to be around me. I wanted to be around him. He was protective of me. He died in 2013. I’ve been alone ever since. As I mentioned my husband is home, but I have never felt so alone. As I worried relentlessly every second he was gone, he was making the most of it. When he talks about his time inside it’s not the horror I expected, but about the friends he made and the fun he had. He talks to himself and in his sleep. I overheard him rehashing a scene that took place in prison where he met someone that I don’t compare to and in detail the sex they had. I was heart broken. I never mentioned it to him. I guess I was feeling that I’m not good enough so what’s the point. I just kept waiting for him to either leave me or see me again they way he used to. I suppose I have some resentment which leads me to lash out at him over little stuff. Most of the time now I imagine or fantasize about a life without him. Sometimes I wish he’d leave, but then think I can’t do it all on my own again. At times it feels like he’s trying but gives up. I keep so much in and never share my story so maybe it’s my fault. As I’m typing this I can tell that I should not post it. Sort of scattered thoughts and not keeping on track. My mind races, doesn’t let me focus on one thing. I obsess and deal with the mania. I’ve concluded that I’m better off not bringing my defects into the lives of people. I think about death a lot too. I wouldn’t commit suicide though, too obsessed about how things will turn out. I have my primary care physician who now acknowledges that I’m seriously messed up. I also have a clinical Neuropsycologist that thinks I’m a paranoid schizophrenic. The both of them have decided I can’t work right now. I’m on short term disability that looks to become long term. I stopped seeing my neurologist because I couldn’t take all the med combos she would adjust on a monthly basis. I was on 9 neuropsych drugs at once when I decided not to return. She claimed it was mostly psychological. That along with the abnormal EEG and white matter brain lesions. I have a new neurologist that I will see the day before Thanksgiving. Curious to see how that goes. Hoping my mind will not speak of presumptions. The voices tend to do that, judge people and relay that judgement to me. The answer is always to seek help, but help is not often given in any case. Mental illness has its own way of deflecting any help. We find things that allow us to survive and ways to manage our next breath. All while wondering if that breath will be our last. The struggle is real and not a single person can feel or know that is not fighting the same battle. My dad told me, when I was young, now 44, that no one will ever love you the way you need or want to be loved. This was his way of telling me though I am loved it will never be the love I crave. How could he have known??? It is very true! I Love my husband. I want to have a better marriage and I can accept that I will not be loved the way I need to be. His advice prevents me from expecting more from a person than they are capable to give. It’s been helpful, but I feel like I’m not like others and that I don’t belong. The only company I have is the visual and auditory hallucinations. I’m fine with that. Relationships aren’t good to have because they will not be good for either party without control of our mental illness. I figure now, what attracted me to my husband was probably his mental illness. He seems to lack empathy and people have always abandoned him. His family has been done with him for years. He always finds a way to push them away and then blame them for the estrangement. So I get your predicament from his view as well as mine. My only advice is to stick with therapy if it helps you even in the smallest way. If we could love ourselves a little more, maybe we can rid ourselves of these toxins. Otherwise you’ll end up like me. In a toxic bipolar relationship feeling hopeless and unloved. Best of luck to you all. I hope you all find peace in your minds and in your life. My apologies for the excessive rambling and for losing focus on the topic.

just take it one day at a time and try to stay calm.