Had enough

In January, I lost my best friend due to my abusing drugs and my antipsychotic medication mixed drove me insane. I became very aggressive and violent, not towards her, but everyone else. I felt like I was losing my mind but couldn’t do anything about it. My Doc’s didn’t do anything besides add more crap medicines for me to take. And today, I’m feeling a little more normal since I quit the drugs and the antipsychotics. Reality is really hitting me now and I miss her so much. I could tell her everything and she only saw the good in me, always told me she was proud of me, made me try to be a better man. My world was great, and I know one person shouldn’t put their happiness in another’s hands, but she was the first person I’ve truly loved. But her love wasn’t enough to get me to quit the drugs until she left. And even though I quit the drugs, had 3 unsuccessful suicide attempts, she told me we were still friends, but I haven’t seen her or heard from her for I don’t know how long. She hates me and I want to end my life more and more everyday. I only hurt everyone who cares for me. Why should I be alive when there are better people than me who have lost their names with disease, of accidents, or whatever. I’m still here. I don’t want to be anymore. 😟

Every life is valuable including your life. Please don’t do anything rash, it’s okay if you need to get some help.
Peace be with you.

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I’m so sorry for all that you are feeling and going through. I know it might not feel like it now, but time does help. Sounds like she needs time. Realize that even though you might have hurt others, you have qualities that would allow you to have friends in the first place. Your life matters, and I pray things will get better soon. Please get in touch with a professional. They even have a suicide text line if you prefer that way. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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I truly believe we are put into each other’s lives for a reason. To diminish the positive impact you may have on another via suicide would indeed be a crime! I have been through the dark valley of believing the world would be a better place without me. I truly know how that feels! I strongly encourage you to get involved with a recovery program (there are many to choose from). Everyone needs the support of others, sometimes we have to get that support from many different people; at various levels of intimacy. I will not lie to you and say that getting rid of suicidal thoughts and urges is easy. It is not! However, it is a journey worth making!!! There is no shame in getting professional assistance with this issue! And there may be totally unexpected issues that arise on this journey, that make you question whether it is really worth it all. I am living a life today that provides the answer of “YES”! Therefore, I urge you to do your research and find a psychiatrist and counselor (psychologist, social worker or qualified clergy). I wish you all the best on your journey of recovery. Know that you are loved (and worthy of love) by people you do not even know.

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I understand your feelings, losing someone that you love so much can hurt so bad and not wanting to be around anymore can become a part of that.
I lost my mother a few years back, and all I wanted to do was kill myself, not be around anymore.
For 3 years, all I did was want to die, she was my best friend, I could tell her anything, we were together all the time.
Then she went into a coma for about 3 weeks, on about 10 machines. Then one day she awoke from the coma, she acted like she did not know me and would not talk to me, I was a stranger to her, she would not look at me or even talk to me, for 2 days. It hurt me so bad.
Then she went back into a coma for a few days and died.
It killed me, I wanted to know why she would not talk to me.
That put me into a mood of not wanting to be here on earth any longer.
So one time I was out driving and she came into my thoughts and I started speeding up and was going to run the car into a tree, but something stopped me. Not sure what it was.
I believe it was my mother or something.
It took about 3 years for me to get through that, I know longer have them feeling.
I believe that when I started talking to my mother and holding a photo of her, helped me so much.
I should have gone for help, but was afraid to show my feelings to anyone.
I still get upset at times, I find myself calling her, and then realize that she is no longer here.
Every day I look at her photo in my car as I go to work, and in the back of my mind, I hear her say that she loves me, and wouldn’t want me to be this way.
I think back at the times now when I wanted to commit suicide and say how could I have even thought of doing that because before my mother passed I had friends say they wanted to commit suicide because of certain reasons and I wonder to myself how could they think of even doing that and then this happened to me and now I understand.
The mind can become very weak, at times when your love one has left you and you no longer have that person around.
I know when I told my friends that I had thoughts of committing suicide during those three years they were a palled that I would even think of doing something like that.
I would say to myself they don’t understand anything about what I am going through.
And then I would tell them I used to have the same thoughts and say how could you even commit suicide but now I know it can come so easily when your mind begins to get sick as you have memories Rolling through your mind of the person or persons that are no longer around and you Thank you have no support.
Then I started thinking about how my mom used to tell me that she would not want me to cry or to do anything if she were to pass and I kept thinking and thinking and thinking about that and that helped me get through this Sickness that I had in wanting to commit suicide.
The thing I’m trying to get through here to you is that you’re not alone and that you will get through this it takes time but you will get through it all. things happen for a reason sometimes that reason can really cloud your mind and make you think of things you shouldn’t.
I know that my story is completely different from yours and when you love somebody and they’re not around anymore can really hurt.
Just wanted to let you know that there are people out there that care and know what you’re going through and getting the help that you need is the best thing for you to do.
The other thing that I think helped me the most is talking about it even if it’s to yourself someone is listening regardless.
I pray that things get better for you and that the pain goes away and remember there are a lot of people out there that love you and can help you get through this.

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Your life is just as important as everyone else’s. Please don’t do anything to hurt you. Suicide is never the answer. I also attempted suicide 3 times, the last one was in 2013 and i almost died. I got counseling and divorced after 25 years, he wanted the divorce not me. I felt i lost everything but now am a proud grandma of 7 grandkids who means the world to me. Also i met the most amazing man in 2010 and got married in 2013. He is the love I’ve always wanted and needed. If i was dead i would have missed out of seeing my grandkids and my wonderful husband. When you think you can’t go on keep going it will get better… Look to God and he will help you also… I will pray for you… Please keep living…

I’m not saying all of you, however many of you need to have your depression and anxiety medications checked. Allot of the meds on the market contribute or exasperated, in a negative way with the conditions inwhich they are suppose to help. A big red flag goes to Zoloft, for me and many others as well. DO a search on internet to find out if your med is one of the ones… Good luck everyone

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In these Zoloft lawsuits, they allege that use of the antidepressant during pregnancy causes birth defects. Other Zoloft lawsuit cases have claimed violent behaviors as a result of the medication. Suicides and homicides have occurred in several patients who were prescribed to Zoloft before committing the acts.

https://www.drugdangers.com/ssri/zoloft/lawsuit/

Thanks everyone for the support. Yeah, they’ve tried 3 different antipsychotics on me and and the first on we made me hallucinate and hear voices, was very paranoid, and I thought what I was doing to myself and others was my normal. That’s why I lost my gf. I quickly moved out of her house cuz I thought she was out to get me locked away. I’d have good days where we would laugh and hang out. Then days I would ignore her calls and texts. Then I tried to kill myself twice in one month by trying to overdose on 2 bottles of amitriptyline. Was life flighted to des Moines I guess. Was in the hospital for a week without that medicine and started to go back to normal. When I got out they tried something else to help with anxiety and I started to get paranoid and very NB aggressive towards everyone. That’s how I am right now but I quit taking my olanzipine about a week ago. I saw my doctor last week and she raised the dose of olanzipine and wants to see me in 3 weeks. I’m not going to make it 3 weeks.

“I am not going to make 3 weeks” Please explain.

Suzan I am on Zoloft now and have been for years I tried to commit sucide this past July and it almost worked I have been dealing with depression for a while I just started seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor I have my first appointment with my psychiatrist today and I have an appointment with my my first appointment with my counselor tomorrow I’m going to see if I can get on a different depression medicine the Zoloft does not seem to be working.

I’m going through the same situation I lost my wife and was never mean to her but was in a medication fog what is there to do? I’m still lost

I was on Zoloft for several years also and thought I was doing fine. My realization came when I started giving away all my things to the people I wanted to have it when I died. I had accepted my impending death, yet I had no physical reason to think I was going to die. It took my daughter to make me realize my thought process. I was numb to emotions. I didn’t care one way or the other if I lived or died. Actually, I didn’t care about anything one way or the other. Then I watched dateline on tv and it was about Zoloft and a teenager that killed his neighbors 8yr old daughter while on Zoloft. Hid her under his waterbed for over a week when his mother found her. The zoloft just wiped away any/all emotion for me. I didn’t even pause about right or wrong, or consequences to my actions. It was unsettling when I was off them to realize how much I had changed on the pills. I’m sure they do very well for alot of others, just not for me.

Sorry that you’re going through all that but, you need to put God first.you need to pray find some scriptures the devil tries to come tell us destroy us. I know you miss your friend but I believe God put people in our lives for a season. God loves you he’s not mad at you secret bag thinking little bit I want to tell you today God is not mad at you. you are one person God love you unconditionally what we always want you to remember that God loves you as long as you let him. Fight the good fight of faith God’s word is the weapon that you use forgiveness psalm 32:1-2 grace Romans 3:22-26 Hope Titus 2:13-14 Faith Mark11:22-24 Faith 2Corinthians 5:7 your battles belong to the Lord you do not have to fight your battles alone remember God said cast all your cares in his hand don’t let the devil play mind games with you when things come to your mind say say not kiss you all right now in the name of Jesus you have no place in my life no place in my mind no place in my heart kiss all your thoughts away do not repeat your thoughts just say devil you are a liar in the name of Jesus I cast all your thoughts out of my mind remember that if you do anything to end your life. You will be in Hell the rest of your life don’t let the devil rapping in your mind tell him he’s a liar in the name of Jesus will have no place in my thoughts I guess you down now in Jesus name Iron Man that’s what you say every time something ungodly come across your mind I hope the scriptures help you pick up the Bible ask God really want you to read and pray everyday and tell God your worries your thoughts most important read the Bible

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Hello again and you are going to make it past three weeks just watching remember to put God first just get down on your knees and pray or sit wherever you are in prey tell God

It is not easy to find the right cocktail for everyone some of us have to go through hundreds of combinations of meds to find what works. Medicine is not an exact science that is why it is called a practice. If you feel you will not make it three weeks on the current med then you need to call and make an appointment for earlier if your psychiatrist has an issue with this you need a new psychiatrist. I can tell you that just from what you described you need a serious med change and should be on more than one kind of med. I have done this for many many years as both a patient and psych professional I worked in a psych hospital for many years as both a certified health unit coordinator and psych tech with direct patient care and was Therapeutic Crisis Intervention certified as well as a peer counselor, unfortunately, I let my psych problems get so far out of hand that my baseline decreased to point it has disabled me and I will never be able to work again. You also created a major issue for yourself by mixing drug abuse which would have destabilized you all by itself. You probably need to speak to a counselor as well, though I am not a huge fan of therapy it does help some people. If you feel traditional religion helps then lean on it if you do not then look elsewhere, prayer and a god never helped me one bit so I had to look elsewhere. Never ever ever let someone shame you because you have a mental illness there is no shame in being ill it is just like any other illness in this respect.

Thank you all for you’re concern and words of concern. Actually, I got my bestfriend back. But not until after I went to the hospital for a week. They adjusted how I took some meds, took me off a couple, and started giving me a abilify. First the pills, then ugh, two shots in the you know. 😊😢 I still hurt from those shots. But, my paranoia and aggression seems to have mellowed out. I actually feel remorse for hurting everyone. And my friend, she’s the one who convinced me to go seek help. And my bestfriend has been checking on me regularly and keeping me in check. I’m actually smiling a genuine smile now. Went out to the park in my hometown and took selfies in nature, smiling, enjoying feeling safe again. I did that to remind myself that I was a happy guy once and it’s about time to make this new guy come out happy and live life. The old me is gone. So, I must work to create a new me, a better me. And I’m going to. Thanks for all the support. And I definitely will check out the Bible. And I got rid of my psychiatrist and Doctor at Berryjill Center in Fort Dodge, Iowa. 3 docs, 3 shrinks, and they didn’t give a shit if I killed myself or not. They canceled appointments all the time. So, I’m done with them. I’m moving back to my hometown and starting my life all over again. Time to get well. 😁